Book Review: The Art of Condolence
I have not read through this book in many years, but I pull it off the shelf every time I have to write a word of condolence. I used it when a teen age daughter of a co-worker at church was killed in a car accident. I used it when my supervisors spouse died after a prolonged illness. And I used it this week when writing a letter to two young men, whom I did not know, after a former co-worker of mine, their mother, passed away unexpectedly.
The Art of Condolence: What to Write, What to Say, What to Do at a Time of Loss
by Leonard M. Zunin, M.D., and Hilary Stanton Zunin.
In the first chapter the authors succinctly and, I believe, accurately pinpoint the difficulty we have with condolence. "The wish to condole is such a human trait, yet most of us are at a loss to acknowledge, in a caring and loving way, the grief of others. That's understandable. No one has ever taught us the art of condolence."
This book briefly (and not over-clinically) walks the reader through the reasons to offer condolence, the common phases of grief and a bit about attachment and loss.
The authors then spend the majority of the book discussing and illustrating the proper writing of a condolence letter or note. "Even though you may call, send flowers or a telegram, or attend the memorial service, none of these actions takes the place of writing a letter to someone whose bereavement has touched your heart." (p3)
Of course, they discuss general etiquette and also review some common problem areas when offering condolence. Then the authors list seven key components of a condolence letter. I will include the list here because, if you're like me, any help in this area is beneficial. But in the book each item is discussed in more detail and many, many sample passages and letters are given.
1. Acknowledge the loss
2. Express your sympathy
3. Note special qualities of the deceased
4. Recount a memory about the deceased
5. Note special qualities of the bereaved
6. Offer assistance
7. Close with a thoughtful word or phrase
There were two pieces that made a huge difference in my ability to write condolence letters. First, to be given permission to actually acknowledge the loss and express sympathy was very freeing for me. I must have grown up with the sense that you never mention something that might make some one sad. So suddenly I was allowed to be writing a letter, even if under sad circumstances (because, you know what, the person you are writing to is probably sad already). Secondly, to be encouraged to discuss a memory or favorite characteristic of the deceased gave me something to focus on. I have heard that having "memories" from other people about a loved one is very comforting both in the short term and for many years to come. "A thoughtful letter of condolence is both a tribute to the deceased and a source of comfort and courage to the living." (p 35)
The Art of Condolence also acknowledges that some losses are, by nature, more difficult to address. They dedicate sections to the loss of a child, miscarriage and stillbirth; the death of a member of the military; death by suicide and AIDS and violence.
Chapters are also dedicated to "What to say" and "What to do" but the same general principles apply.
Whether you are a friend, a family member, a co-worker or a health care provider you will be in a position of offering condolence to another. "This book will assist you to reach out more readily, more comfortable, and more authentically when confronted by another's grief." (p xvi)
The Art of Condolence: What to Write, What to Say, What to Do at a Time of Loss
by Leonard M. Zunin, M.D., and Hilary Stanton Zunin.
In the first chapter the authors succinctly and, I believe, accurately pinpoint the difficulty we have with condolence. "The wish to condole is such a human trait, yet most of us are at a loss to acknowledge, in a caring and loving way, the grief of others. That's understandable. No one has ever taught us the art of condolence."
This book briefly (and not over-clinically) walks the reader through the reasons to offer condolence, the common phases of grief and a bit about attachment and loss.
The authors then spend the majority of the book discussing and illustrating the proper writing of a condolence letter or note. "Even though you may call, send flowers or a telegram, or attend the memorial service, none of these actions takes the place of writing a letter to someone whose bereavement has touched your heart." (p3)
Of course, they discuss general etiquette and also review some common problem areas when offering condolence. Then the authors list seven key components of a condolence letter. I will include the list here because, if you're like me, any help in this area is beneficial. But in the book each item is discussed in more detail and many, many sample passages and letters are given.
1. Acknowledge the loss
2. Express your sympathy
3. Note special qualities of the deceased
4. Recount a memory about the deceased
5. Note special qualities of the bereaved
6. Offer assistance
7. Close with a thoughtful word or phrase
There were two pieces that made a huge difference in my ability to write condolence letters. First, to be given permission to actually acknowledge the loss and express sympathy was very freeing for me. I must have grown up with the sense that you never mention something that might make some one sad. So suddenly I was allowed to be writing a letter, even if under sad circumstances (because, you know what, the person you are writing to is probably sad already). Secondly, to be encouraged to discuss a memory or favorite characteristic of the deceased gave me something to focus on. I have heard that having "memories" from other people about a loved one is very comforting both in the short term and for many years to come. "A thoughtful letter of condolence is both a tribute to the deceased and a source of comfort and courage to the living." (p 35)
The Art of Condolence also acknowledges that some losses are, by nature, more difficult to address. They dedicate sections to the loss of a child, miscarriage and stillbirth; the death of a member of the military; death by suicide and AIDS and violence.
Chapters are also dedicated to "What to say" and "What to do" but the same general principles apply.
Whether you are a friend, a family member, a co-worker or a health care provider you will be in a position of offering condolence to another. "This book will assist you to reach out more readily, more comfortable, and more authentically when confronted by another's grief." (p xvi)
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